He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The adults are the big ones right?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
