1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You smell like stripper and shame
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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