that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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