I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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