I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
