Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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