you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
