last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
