Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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