Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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