I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
