I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
