What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
