i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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