My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
