It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
