i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You took a bar mat shot.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
