Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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