I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
