there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
