So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
