If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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