Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
