Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
