it was like his penis was on wheels.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
