So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
