seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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