We won't sleep together?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
