I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
