The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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