My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
