well I can't set my house on fire every night
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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