So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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