He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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