Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
