My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
