Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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