I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
