if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
