Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
