There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
