It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
