So drunk its hurt
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
whose ass print is on the piano?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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