omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
