the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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