Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My balls are so social today.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
