Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
two words: eviction party
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
