True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize