I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
