break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize