I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
