he shaved USA in his pubs
operation harelip BJ is a go
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
