I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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