Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
