where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
