My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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