Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
