well I can't set my house on fire every night
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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