I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
