there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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