here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize