i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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